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Semicolon;
Semicolon;

Bonjour!


Find someone who will love you through your weaknesses and wonders.
Like Tate loves Violet.
And like I love you.

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: Izzati Rahim

: Izzati Rahim

: Izzati Rahim

: izxarahim@yahoo.com


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Little Izzati.


Assalamualaikum, it’s been a while writing in here. Time flew by so fast I didn’t realized my paper heart bleed again.

I didn’t cry writing this. I guess my heart feels numb. All my life, I’ve been trying to make people like me. I practiced on how to talk, how to dress, how to impress and I did bad. I’m never good in acting. I lied so much until it felt like nothing was real. Acting like everything’s okay and can’t differentiate either it’s true or not.

Happy thoughts, come to me. 4th semester. Allah Yuftah Alaikum. Let’s be happy this time. Susahnya lahai setiap sem heartbreak. Bila nak baik daaaa?
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Nobody’s stupid enough to not read this Izzati. Here’s the plan for my life. My future wasn’t assured. Its dark, the path not lighten yet. I can’t see well in the dark. And I’m really afraid of monster that are in the dark. I can’t even open my eyes seeing my life in the end. Can I live long? Can I go far? Can I be happy? Can I make people proud? Can I be believed in? Can I be trusted? Can I have kids? Can I hug the guy I love? Can I do all the things I really wanted? Can I just die in my sleep when I’m older? Can I? We never know what the future holds. Will I change or will I be the same?

When you miss me, close your eyes, maybe far but never gone. –ShawnMendes.

You know something sweeter than honey? You know what’s more special than chocolate cake? It’s called du’a. I prayed to God, please make someone know that I existed. It came true. They loved me. Then, I asked for more. I kept asking. And miracles happen, He answered all of it. ‘Manakah nikmat Tuhan yang kamu dustakan?’ This one verse can never make me stop crying. –Surah Ar-Rahman. Little Amirul Adha read this as I requested him to read it when he became Imam two years ago.  And I smiled throughout the whole night after he recites it. I don’t know why but I love this surah so much. The first was this and then suratul Insyirah. The one God promised Rasulullah happiness after he lost his loved ones. Once dream of naming my little babies with Insyirah so that they know they are my happiness.

Now I’m asking You for more, please let me live. Please let my parents live longer.  I witnessed a death today and it struck me that death is always near. I once asked Ustazah when I’m in form 2 but dicop ‘budak nakal’ and Ustazah didn’t answer it. Little Izzati – ‘Ustazah, Allah dah tulis kan takdir kita? And kita wajib percaya Qada’ dan Qadar kan. Jadi, kalau kita minta Allah panjangkan umur kita kan, boleh ke? Bukan Allah dah tulis ke bila kita mati? Kalau doa, boleh berubah ke?’ I was so naïve back then and still right now. Someone please answer me. Silly little Izzati.

Since the days to school is in two days and I haven’t pack a single thing and all I bought is two more Elsa pillows to hug. I used to hate hugs. I rarely hug my mom when I was small. And now what I longing is a deep hug. It was awkward going to her and just hug her and she’ll say ‘buang tebiat ke pe?’ Mom, your daughter will never grow older, she’ll still need you even it’s on her 40s. Please live longer and show this little girl the path through life as she is so small to understand what life means. When I did something wrong then she’ll say, ‘tulah, taknak dengar cakap. Mak dah makan garam dulu tu mak tahu tu.’ At the Masjid just now, the little boy was hugging his mother so tightly, he was still so small to lose his mother. And I’m already going 20 still begging my mom to buy me Elsa. Mom, please know I hate growing up. I want to always be your baby. To always be with you.

 I cried. I lied. Sorry.

Little Izzati wasn’t so strong after all. Mak called me Izzati, -Kemuliaan. Kekuatan. Her little daughter.

I read the book by Hilal Asyraf. One story, ada srikandi. I don’t know what a srikandi means. But her name is Izzati. It was a nice story. She fights. She holds a sword. She rides on horses. She’s not afraid to die. And then, a book I read when I was in my lower form. –Relevankah Aku Dihatimu? In the epilogue, He prayed to God, ‘Ya Rabbul Izzati.’ And somewhat that makes me feel special. Izzati who never liked people calling her name always change it to, ‘Izza, Izz, Izzat, Zati’ never liked her full name. And when I found someone who I wanted him to call me my full name, I’ll love him eternally. Call me sayang, call my love, the best of all was my little name. I cherished that name and wanted to call my own daughter Izzati. And I would name her Izzah. The same meaning.

Izzati, why give up? I didn’t give up. There will be a moment where you’ll be so tired, you don’t know what to do. You’re numb and you’re dumb. My heart is a paper, you can always play with it. Do everything you want to it. Pour on acid. Burn it. I can always put a smile after that. My mom said, ‘Biar orang nak buat apa kat kita, kita jangan balas balik. Kita buat bodoh je. Biar Allah yang balas. Kalau dia dah penat nanti dia berhenti lah.’ The way my mom pujuk bila Izzati kena ejek dekat sekolah dulu. So, I became strong enough not to break people’s heart though they broke mine. Sama in every case. –‘Biar kita tunggu orang, jangan orang tunggu kita.’ or ‘Kakak ada hutang orang? Kalau ada bayar balik. Biar orang tak bayar hutang kita, jangan kita berhutang dengan orang.’

But one thing she didn’t teach, about how handle heartbreaks. And she’ll marah when I cried, ‘Tulah, mak dah cakap. Jangan percaya dekat lelaki semua ni.’ Haha, I promise you mom, this is the last one. I’ll love him until I marry him until I die and until you’ll be smiling and be proud of me. If this one fails too, mom, I’ll marry late. Jadi anak dara tua dulu. Then balik kampong orang tanya, ‘Ni bila nak kahwin ni? Engok sepupu kau tu, anak dah 3. Kau taknak ke kahwin zati oi?!’ Haha, makcik makcik will be so funny. ‘Ada jodoh, ada lah tu. Takde sudah.’ Fear not, I’ll have one daughter before I die. Yelah, takkan taknak saham dalam kubur nanti. Doa anak soleh. ‘Makcik makcik jangan pom pang pom pang cakap, doakanlah saya jodoh cepat sampai ye :)’

I need to pack my bags tomorrow (Khamis). Nak pindah weh.


Little Izzati, be strong!

Annyeong.

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