Stories Profile Photos Follow Dashboard



Find someone who will love you through your weaknesses and wonders.
Like Tate loves Violet.
And like I love you.



: Izzati Rahim

: Izzati Rahim

: Izzati Rahim


Skins by: IlliShuhada
Basecode : PikaChan

2017; cherry blossom.


I really am sad right now, myself to be blamed because I watched Hybrid Child.

Song to listen to while reading this: One More Time, One More Chance – Park Chanyeol cover.

I am torn between being selfish or should I be unselfish. I started to care more about other people now, so I guess I became that unselfish person already. But after watching Hybrid Child, I am still torn. It is true, I did wrote about watching anime and what goods can it bring. And now I even asked for advices from the anime. Why? Because they simply convey the words that I can’t say.

“Wind… blowing… morning, saw it... it was broken off… Good for replanting, you like flowers… that’s why, for you.” *and the freaking heart-wrenching song being played here!* [the saddest bgm I’ve ever heard and it tore me apart so badly I thought of killing myself]

Hybrid Child is a reflection of its owner.

 “What in me was he reflecting?” “What did I give you?”

 *and this is where I cried the most.* [the flashback]

- Forever.

“I love him… It’s nothing less and nothing more than that. Just from my heart, more than anything, I love him. What’s left are regrets, reminiscence… and the overflowing emotions of love.”

It speaks for me. For my heart. The words I never had the courage to say to anyone and I guess it’s getting worse, dreams kept coming, kept on haunting, and my heart kept on hurting. Oh, for fuck sake, can’t you just move on? I promise you, I still remember the day I cried so hard for you, I thought you left, I thought something bad happened, the day I begged for you to tell me what happened, and the day I started to feel I was being stepped on. And I felt that same feeling again, being attacked with insecurities, the bad memories came on stealing my peace of mind, and I felt my whole world crumbling. I never told anyone, only to this blog, only to myself, and to Nurin, just in case anyone would want to know the reason of my death. It’s because all the smiles I’ve been showing never reflected the real sorrow I kept hidden.

I cried every single time. Oh yeah, my tears are cheap, but everytime I cried, it came from my heart.

Why can't I write about good things? Because I am not blessed by the God of Happiness. Only experience makes you grow up. I learned all this from this anime. On how to appreciate, how to love, how to not give up, how to say the word 'I love you' before you were gone, but in my case, no matter how many times I said I loved you, people still leave. But I never grew tired, and if I may, I want to shower people with love, my love is cheap too, because I want to give it for free to everybody deserving it.
“Did you know? Cherry blossoms are at their best on the night just before their buds bloom. It’ll look like a mist of pink.”
One moment there I want to be Tsukishima and then I want to be Kuroda, but I realized I am Kuroda already. The one who lost the light, the one who’s left with longing, and a broken heart. No matter how hard it is to deny everything that came and just smile frivolously, the wound will still open up everytime I heard your voice or your name. I am Kuroda already, I remind myself. But life must still go on, it’s tiring actually, but then my smiles had you in them.
“The ones who live have things tougher than the ones who die!”
“Pushing the cleaning up afterwards to me selfishly…”
“Why don’t you try putting yourself in my shoes?”
“For the one who dies, everything ends once he’s dead. He returns to the earth and it’s over.”
“The ones who get troubled are the ones who are left behind. We have to do the cleaning up after you leave, and settle other matters… even after the physical things are settled, there are still terrible things like memories which remain.
“To be frank, that is extremely troubling!”
“If you’re going to die anyway, take my memories with you before you die!”
And that is why, I never wanted the morning to come, for the day to end, because happy ending never happened if it’s a new day. I never wanted to lose everything when the happy moment only lasted to short. I still want to hold you tightly and never let go, I don’t want your warmth to disappear, and I want to wake up with you beside me. *it’s a metaphor*

[I love you Tsukishima. I love you so much it hurts me so much and I had to cry so much even before you leave and after you left.]

And sometimes I prayed, that God never gave me a chance to live at all if all my life is filled with painful encounter. I’ve never been stabbed but it felt like it. Like all the strings attached to my heart just ripped all at once and then I’m left bleeding like the world would care.

To the ones who managed, thank you for moving on. To the ones who are still hurting, please keep breathing. I’ll breathe with you too. I’ll continue living that is for sure.
“I won’t cry. Why is there a need to cry…?” 
*I wrote this while crying watching Kuroda crying.


Labels: , , , , , , ,