Find someone who will love you through your weaknesses and wonders.
: Izzati Rahim
: Izzati Rahim
: Izzati Rahim
Basecode : PikaChan
I promised not to write during finals but I just can't. This is not a bad thing, I just feel like I need to talk to anything. I've been talking alone now and then and smile so hideously to myself, I can imagine my face that way. My dad's been calling me a few times recently asking me where I want to study and what do I want to learn and I said I didn't even make up my mind yet. Of all people who had registered for their degree, I haven't. I still linger around and lazed on my bed like nothing important is going to happen. I will be having a major breakdown in a few days since I couldn't go to EXO's concert but nvm I already prepared myself for that I won't even on my phone I'll be sleeping the whole night and then act like nothing ever happen oh did the war just ended or is there an alien invasion I'll be stupid throughout the day.
It's currently 4 am and I am crying and I think I just lose my mind. I have a presentation tomorrow morning and lord knows how swollen I am and will be tomorrow. I'm not crying because of something real, something I can touch but it hurts the most knowing that death is an inevitable thing. How can at one time I thought that God can be so cruel to people around me? How can He make happy things gone forever? How can He kill all those hopes? Don't He have pity on us? At one time, I blame God for making me suffer but I hate to admit that I begged Him too to give me the happiness I think I deserve. I cried wishing to the stars to save all the people in the world. I hate to know that somewhere far away people are dying, I hate to see the wars on tv, but I hate myself the most for not changing. How can I live my days thinking that happiness would come where else the people are suffering. Ya Allah, save them please I beg. I once thought of ending myself but now all I can ask is for me and all of us to have a tomorrow. For tomorrow to exist, for another tomorrow, for another one, forever tomorrow I beg you.
I've been reading and got so immersed in it and now I ended up crying like a baby. I cried for something that isn't even real but haven't I told you that I love to appreciate efforts. I cried for people who work so hard knowing I couldn't work like that even for myself. While I'm reading about the anterograde amnesiac person, I started to beg that this doesn't have to end. It is hard to read since my tears and snots won't stop coming out, I started begging for god to take away the pain and please give them the chance to at least have another tomorrow. I can't live knowing that such person existed, how I would like to blame God for creating a very difficult path for them, I would like God to rewrite their path and not letting them be sad. I want to be there wiping his tears and say I would always be there for him. I want him to be happy surrounded by daisies and I would like to run with the sands in our feet and never let go of his hand. I wouldn't want God to end the love that I tried so hard to build and not forget the times we spent together. I want him to remember me even though he forgets every single time he woke up. I'm going to hug him and say I will never forget you, and we'll make new memories forever and live every moment like there's no tomorrow. I want to at least be there to comfort you and I will never let Him take you away from me. I beg to God and even my bones broke off, I would never let go off his hands. I love him so much that I wouldn't want anything in this world to hurt him. I want to build a home with him with daisies and sunflowers around us and be together until we die and even after death I would want to hold his hands. I am crying like crazy now that my heart even makes a sound saying it hurts and I have to beat my own chest to stop it from hurting.
To you the one suffering, I will never let go. I swear to you that no one would hurt you anymore I am here for you till the end of time. And I prayed that even if I die, I would let you die first because I know you wouldn't be okay if I'm not beside you. I want to see you off, to let you know that everything's alright once you found peace. I don't people to take you for granted just because I am not there. I swear I would never leave your side. I will beg God, to make you happy even through your suffering, I know it's painful but please be strong. I hate seeing you cry, I hate to think that anything is wrong with you, I hate to know that it is wrong for me to pity you but I will always love you. So, don't forget me, write me down in your pages, remember me by reading, stick all those notes on your wall, I am here begging God for our little tomorrow that you will wake up remembering me and say my name in a very soft tone and say you love me. I hate the path and fate God made for us, but I couldn't stop begging Him to not make it stop.
I am on the verge of ending my life every time I could think about it but I couldn't help to let those who said they love me down. I am going to live my life until I am sure that no one needs me anymore. I want to devote my life on people I cherish but knowing that life is so short I beg God every time I could to at least let me love someone without regret. I want to see him smile I swear his smile is the most important thing in life right now. I am sorry for letting you down but I really worked hard on begging Him to let me live and if I could, I will say repeatedly without regrets that I love you every single second I have.
Open the door, say my name, and say you remember me. I will be waiting. -the one waiting.I promise you that I will make you happy even in heaven.
Do you ever feel like you are useless? Like none of the things in life you've done matters at all. Well, I am feeling that way right now. Oh, yesterday I accidentally saw my friend's twitter profile and I thought like wow, she is so blessed. That's what written on her bio. But as I go in deeper, I started feeling insecure. And then, okay lah, instead of continuing stalking, I decided to stop. But, it's getting worse since I can't forget about her. Aigoo, she is like so lucky and okay, I started planting hate onto myself. Because I can't stop thinking about her life, how I wish we can trade life, I had that thought in my head, I told myself stop it, you don't fcking care pun, but then still think about it lol.
By writing this, I hope I can at least feel better because I started writing to ease everything. Maybe I should start writing a novel but I won't, it takes a lot of energy. I remind myself, I am so going to make it better (my life). Just you wait. Please have patience Izzati.
And then, have you ever felt the urge of crying so sudden? I don't know how many times I've asked this question, but I felt like crying. And it is so sudden, I started slamming the door, I started putting my music to the max volume, I started to hide the blush I felt in my face, I started to feel the ache inside of me, I started to blink so fast so that the tears could be cleared. And then I stop doing everything. All I want to do is cry and shout so hard under my blanket but since there's people and it's broad daylight, I should just stop. Plus, the songs on my playlist can be any better help, all sad songs and I hate my playlist and i hate myself. Until at one point I don't understand where it'd all begin, I searched it online about the whys and hows.
I help myself stand back up. I make myself busy, I clean my room, I throw all the unimportant things, I change my bed sheet and thinking about cutting my hair really short for a new beginning. Okay, there is one tradition where you cut your hair short after a heartbreak, not necessarily after break ups, it's just like making it short means making it better. Changes within oneself, since you may need hard work to slim down your body, to make your face pretty, one simple change is just to have a haircut. I cut my hair really short before, like so short but still cute (hah, boy-cut lah senang cakap) but then the guy I like said, he likes a girl with long hairs. It is hard to make your hair grow. I haven't have a proper haircut after he told me that, just a little trim at the end to make the hair grow longer. It's been 2 years I guess but my hair isn't getting any longer. I like my hair but when it's becoming something so hard to live with, maybe I should just cut ties with it. Maybe I'll have it cut next month. A new beginning. Maybe my burden gets lighter, my heart becomes healthier. Read the article about haircuts > HERE.
It's my finals. Some of us, entered a different place while I'm still stuck here. But, let's face it here. My life isn't as fortunate as theirs but Izzati please be grateful. I won't reply to any whatsapp, messages or answer any calls (only my family), I also won't be on Instagram (reply to any DMs or making stories), I won't be writing here, only twitter to ease my heart a little by reading people's stupid stories plus I'll be staying up late really often then. Wish me luck and please send some prayers I need them. Thank you :*
p/s: Divide is a very good album. Please hear to all the songs, it makes me happy and I hope you'd be happy too.
2017; Hohoeteiru Kai?
The title means → Are you still smiling? I stumbled across it when I'm hearing to some anime's ending song. I am really into anime these days and since I have like so much free time so I'll write some anime recommendation that suits my taste. Btw, I am listening to Moana's song - How Far I'll Go and putting it on repeat. It's the end of February and I hope everything's going to be better in March for me and for you guys too.
I've told you about Yuri on Ice so this an addition to it. I'll make it long for these anime. I had one more on my list but I haven't got the chance to watch it because I need full concentration while watching this, I hate interruptions. I really need to level up my concentration because I get distracted so easily even when I am sleeping. I woke up at the very least amount of sound unless I am very tired so even bother opening my eyes. By focusing, maybe I can improve my life a little better. So, let's proceed.
1. Sekai-Ichi Hatsukoi.
❤ The title literally means 'The World's Greatest First Love' and this anime has two seasons
(24 episodes) plus 2 episodes of OVA and 1 Special. So, what is so special about it? It's about a bunch of guys that are gay. To me, they are handsome. You can't judge the way I look at them and I own my eyes that means they suit the image I wanted a guy should have in such anime. [I still love looking at Byakuya and he is the manliest man I ever known (in Bleach)]. This anime is not that hentai-ish I know they are gay in some sort it had some kissing scene but all you know is that, this is anime so I don't care so much.
Some people said 'eii, apa tengok cerita gay ni?' Lol, this is what I like. I am not gay [homo]. I am a straight lady that had desire of getting married solely to a straight man. I am experimenting all sorts of different genres in life where I am curios of what this is and what that is. You are not one to say I couldn't do anything with my life you haven't know what I like or dislike. Like I said, this is my preference. I've watched all types of dramas in life I want people to understand that you had your own life and this is mine. I maybe some introverted person who only sits in my room and not experiencing the real world. I like staying inside instead of working my ass out because I know how hard life could be out there I know it but I don't want to be cocky I just know it so don't say that I'm living my life the wrong way. People tend to talk bad about others and backbiting and lose respects of others, I don't want that to happen to me so I decided to stay here. I dislike the crowd but you know I had this one dream to really go out there and live my dreams I haven't got the chance yet. I can be bold too you know.
Okay, this anime is so nice. The main character in Ritsu. You can read it somewhere in the Wikipedia or what not I want you to watch it yourself. I am just stating my feelings after watching all this anime. So, this little guy falls in love with his senpai. I love the idea of having senpai(s) in life but this is not Japan so there is no such thing as this in my surrounding. [Kakak angkat or abang angkat doesn't imply in this area okay] [[I hate the idea of having all this 'angkats' I never had one I am like eww that doesn't apply in real life pun]]. The first part was when he confessed to his senpai, 'suki-desu' which means I like/love you. And then, after 10 years, he met that senpai again and at first he didn't realised it was him (senpai changed him family name) ((and he forgets the senpai because long time no see)) so he did ignore everything until the senpai said something from ten years ago. The feeling there was mutual but this little guy keeps on denying until the end. There are some disturbance and conflicts too but it was mild because the love was there. And surprisingly, that senpai loves him since the day before that little guy confessed his feelings to him.
What a very twisting story kan? But, as I put my whole mind into this story and I make some speculations + assumptions, I indeed was right. I even talk to myself describing how this story should be and being angry at the little guy for denying his feelings and I cried too for that senpai because he went through so much to be better in life. 'All crisis will disappear after a while' - that is what I told myself. I am loving this anime I could watch it a lot of time but as you know, I barely had time to study so let's make studies a priority.
This anime also had a few other characters who are gay too. They work in the same department but they hold different type of stories. It's normal to have different experience from others. You couldn't compare your life with others because you don't know what the others went through. Maybe they are better or worst. This below is the opening song for season 1 and I like it so much I even sang to it while showering lol. You can try hearing it maybe it's nice to you too :)
2. Your Lie in April.
💛 I couldn't comment much on this anime since I've watched it a long time but it is nice too. It's about a piano player and someone who plays the violin. I am very fond of someone who can play musical instrument. I am not called a musician but I know the quality of good music and not. I hear to all sorts of music too if you don't know, I live basically with my earphones intact to my ears all the time. Even in class and exams too, I had my earphones on because I hate hearing to other sounds that make me lose my focus. I sang quietly in the exam hall just make myself happy. [Don't tell this to anyone, I am one weird person haha]. This story is inspiring people to be much better. Having competitions, people looking down at you, being mocked, being hurt, being dragged by tour own emotions, being captive inside your own trauma, makes you a dull person. But then when someone came to you, they spread colours to your eyes. They somehow makes your life more meaningful. Even make you smile when you think of them. I inspire to be one like them.
A very cute one indeed. Large eyes, details on the piano notes, overall this is one aspiring anime people can watch. The ending was sad, so sad it ripped my heart apart. But, the main character did take it positively, I am glad, he is glad. A very short one season anime but it is compacted with emotions and lovely character. It is hard to find this types of people in my place. All we do here is making fun of people, sorry I had to say this. Malaysians are living based on gossips and untrue story, even if it's true, they change the story to be otherwise with lots and lots of exaggerations. This is why I had so much respect on other country's culture, how nice their people are compared to ours. I often tell myself, once I finish my studies and after having money, let's head abroad to learn about them, I had so much misery trying to understand why I live like this that's why I want to change my life.
I am sorry if anyone is offended by me but this is me stating the truth or my opinion. Let's not take it to heart and let's live in peace. I will be watching Junjou Romantica after this and it requires so much attention so I hope no one makes trouble with me or mess with my feelings. I don't read all my whatsapp, I open the app and select all conversations and mark them all as read and repeat that everyday unless it's really important but I'll only read it when I had time. I too don't answer my phone since it's on silent my whole life, my dad nagged me about it saying what if there is an emergency but I ignore him too because living in peace is my intention from the very beginning. I had two phone numbers and one is on silent mode and the other phone is switched off because I hate hearing sound which is not important at all. Ah, and I had no ringtones too on my phone plus my whatsapp notifications is set to no sound. I am pathetic I know but this is how I love my life after being hurt by many people thank you for understanding hehe ☺
2017; Theme: Love.
I am in my happy mode again tonight. So, I decided to really write something that inspires me so much for this whole day. Yesterday, as I scroll down my explore on Instagram I found a fan-art called #Victuri and I am curious about what it is about. It's an anime about figure skating and it is about handsome guys. Okay you can ask me what type is my ideal guy right now and I'll answer one to it; I want someone who dreams big and make it happen no matter how hard it is just to prove himself out. Because I am going to do the same. I am dreaming big (of the impossibles of course) ((you just don't know about it)) and I am gonna prove myself too since it is not easy I got everything under control because I believe I can do it.
I actually cried because of this oh you may think 'eleh, ni anime bodo bodo je kot, nak nangis pahal'. But, there is nothing more touching than being in love and trying to make your dreams come true. I realised that after everything, you may think it is the end but when that really happens to you, you know you can never give up, NEVER! Because you'll find yourself one level higher and you'll find satisfaction in yourself oh macam I am happy I made this happen, I made new experience, I made new friends, I made myself happy it's like your life is complete and became beautiful, you mature a little bit, you grow up, you find peace in yourself. Trust me, it's gonna be fine one day because you'll look up to those sweats you shed, the tears you cried, the effort you made, since you really made it come true. Love is one word you shouldn't make fun of; I had love full in myself. Love towards all the things around me, towards all the people I don't even know, because I believe if I smile to them, maybe I'll make their life better. I want to save people too.
I played a game recently and it had a question, 'What would you do if you see a man standing on a bridge trying to kill himself?' It had options that I had to make, I thought maybe 'I could save him, try to talk him over, give him support and everything.' and the other part of me said, 'you don't even give a damn to that person, you don't know him at all, why should you help' and 'you just stand there hesitating whether to save or just ignore him, you are one selfish bitch' I am never sure of myself. But as I think back, if I didn't save that man, I'll be living in misery. Why didn't I save him I had the chance to? What happened to him is he dead or alive? What can I do to make everything better? I realised that after it is done, nothing can be reversed. I'll be living in regret forever. That's why I vow to myself, I'll help people. I'll help myself too in the process. I am one fragile-hearted person, maybe I can be stronger by this.
Okay, continuing on Yuri On Ice. A really beautiful story and it melts my heart. I was watching attentively and at first it was a so-so but when it comes to the competition, I started getting serious because it is intense I pray that Yuri wins it. I cried because every time they dance, they had that goal they are going to achieve inside them, they want to prove themselves, they want to show it to people. It is so beautiful you are an idiot if you don't cry. They are like beautiful and graceful swans dancing together I can't get my head off of it. I felt sick all of the sudden because they portray such beautiful emotions through their dancing plus I can't do that, I am really jealous. Every little anime that shows the effort of someone who wants to achieve their dreams and be better in the future is so effing beautiful I cried so hard for them. Maybe I'll have to achieve my own dreams too to make me cry I happen to be beautiful too later. Let's be beautiful together. Promise me?
This below is a powerful piece that makes me going forward and made my day, it gave me the power and spirit to keep on moving I am going to be as beautiful as Victor and Yuri, believe in me please. I am going to show it to the world later, maybe not to all of you, but the world where I feel like I belong, my own world I create myself, to prove myself, a world that I think this is my moment to shine. Plus, the other song, it shows the journey of their hard work and later became one graceful dance they danced together I am in love with this guys. Not much gayness is shown, but I would love them to get married. Okay, this is awkward. They are two man and I am hoping they get married? So what, they are anime and I can always ship them forever and they even got matching rings together, (I yang normal and ada relationship dengan lelaki pun takde couple ring tau) ((I am gonna shut myself up in the shower for the next few hours because of this)). I promise you this is one of the best anime I've watched I hope people out there would just realise it.
I stated the 'beautiful' word a lot of time about this anime so you better watch it. I mean it when I say it.
2017; Another Good Song + extra.
Hey, I'm back. It's not even a long time but I guess I better write before I really forget to do it. I've been posting about Korean songs lately and had some more to add to the list.
1. Spring Day - BTS.
☀ It's a nice song. So sorry to myself because I should be an EXO-L but this song is lit. I mean, this whole album is effing good. The reason why I started liking their songs is because waiting for EXO's new album takes a long way since they are busy touring. I've heard all the songs in it and thought wow, this album is going far and BTS is sure getting further in life. This song is released as a supplementary song including a few more as an addition to all the other songs. I started off liking songs by listening to it and analysing the lyrics. The day they drop the official MV, I was not that interested and all the people on twitter starts making their on reaction towards this song plus the guy I subscribed on YouTube released his own piano cover on this song. They said that this song is about how these boys love each other and wouldn't want any of them to leave. But as I listened more to it plus the lyrics makes a lot more sense, I decided this should be a love song (although it had the best friend lyric) ((I don't care can't lovers be friends too)). And I've been putting it on repeat too don't blame me I hate myself too because I'm stanning a lot of idols right now ☹ Click ➤ for official MV and full album and their supplementary album. Their album is called You Never Walk Alone. The one below is a fan-made video combined the MV and the lyrics so it is easier for me to sing along actually 😂
2. With Laughter or With Tears - Seo In Guk.
🍑 I don't remember if I cried watching this or not lol. Actually I searched for his song for (Tomorrow With You) ost called Flower but then the YouTube's auto-play led me to this. At first I never thought Seo In Guk would have any song but then I learned that he even had an album like wow babe you are so successful. I've read his story about how poor his family condition was before he became famous and now boom he is one of my favourite A-list actor. He is so good in acting that I almost fall in love but you know how hard it is for me to fell for it. But, this song is a plus plus that made me want to love him more. It's actually a farewell song. I even searched for the lyrics since the MV is between him and his lover. They fell out of love I guess but this guy keeps getting flashbacks on their relationship. After I understood the lyrics and played it a few times, I realized how beautiful this song is and how lovely his voice is. The link for the lyrics ➡ Laughter and Tears and Live Version.
I've been downloading and watching Japanese dramas and movies lately I don't even know how it all started. So as a simple start, I chose to watch Koizora. I don't know what the story is about, I don't bother searching for it. I only searched for some recommended Japanese movies and some wrote an article about the J-movie preference and so I tried downloading some of it. Koizora is a nice drama with 6 episodes. Actually I am confused since they said it is a movie but who cares I've watched it. I can't tell what's in it so go watch it by yourself I hope you find it interesting. I'll make a list on my favourite J-dramas and movies plus K-dramas too. I find this fun stating my favourites and sharing I don't care if nobody would read it. I had my own sweet time writing all this and hoping that if ever one day I am lost or anything, this blog captured my feelings in it. I wanted to read it and find myself stupid again in the future and let me laugh at how foolish I am in my twenties. I wanted to share it with the people I love about how I am when I am 20. I'm getting older and I realised if I don't do this I'll eventually forget the good and bad times that make me how I am now.
Thank you for the good times and the bad dear experiences and yeah, happy 14 😍
Secret lover : Hariz Azmi
Open the door, say my name, and say you remember me. I will be waiting. -the one waiting.I promise you that I will make you happy even in heaven.